MAILOMANIA

The mail epidemic has definitely gotten out of hand. We are all being inundated of essentially unwanted communiqués and are helpless in their wake. It all began centuries ago with DrumMail. They beat out their messages in tribal codes alerting compatriots of impending disaster or joyous events. Unless the recipient was out of earshot, it worked. 

SmokeMail arrived shortly thereafter, delivering appropriate messages in billowing clouds. This medium worked just fine barring pouring rain and gales. None of these of course, ever sent catalogues.

Then came a revolution. PostalMail or SnailMail. Well, at first it was pretty slow but what would you expect with a horse? The term pony express is obviously an oxymoron. However, as the 20th century arrived with those speedy motors, mail did reach its destination within a few days or a week or two. Today, on occasion, however, I have had strange experiences such as the time I mailed a check to my doctor whose office was a mere mile away and it didn’t arrive for three months. I am convinced there is a giant hole somewhere in the heart of our great country where all the undelivered mail has been decomposing for decades. Actually, mail has surfaced decades after being posted.

My mailbox for the past several years has been packed with JunkMail which I wish would wind up in that hole. Catalogs ad nauseum from everywhere in the country selling everything on the planet, most of which no one needs, and insistent requests for contributions. Used to be that the letters requesting donations arrived in November and December when our hearts are filled with goodwill and charity. Now, it’s like the Bloomingdale’s sales. Every week. The problem, I decided, is that if you donate a check to one charity, they sell your name to all 2000 others who then send you “free” postcards of adorable animals or mailing labels all for the purpose of softening you up and filling you with guilt if you don’t remit a check.  It used to work on me but I’ve steeled myself and am now impervious.

During World War II, to help keep the morale up of our Armed Forces, V-Mail (V for victory) was born and we citizens were urged to write to friends and loved ones in battle.  A wonderful idea. It probably wasn’t much faster than plain old SnailMail but the problem was it encompassed too many “Dear John” letters.  Too bad those didn’t end up in that hole.

Another breakthrough was AnsweringMachineMail which gave birth to VoiceMail. Both terrific technologies. It’s interesting to note that when answering machines were first introduced, ATT opposed them with a vengeance. I still don’t understand why because the answering machine was unquestionably responsible for the gigantic increase in local, national and international calls. Think about it. You call Joe and he’s not home. At the beep, you leave a message. One call. Joe calls you back and you’re not home, he leaves a message. Call two. This game of telephone ping-pong can go on interminably and with every call the cash register rings at whichever company you had today, for consumers in a state of total confusion.

Now before AT&T lost its monopoly back on January 1, 1981, we had the best and easiest phone system in the world. Now, the amount of hawking by local and long distance companies, especially the ones who want you to dial perhaps twelve numbers before the number you want is enough to give you a migraine.

But progress wasn’t to be stopped. Along came FaxMail that certainly speeded up correspondence.  The upside was a huge convenience. The downside was that since messages were sent and received virtually simultaneously, response time was slashed and everyone began working faster and harder. That thermal paper intrinsic to the first fax machine was slimy, constantly curled and faded quickly but that problem was quickly solved with plain paper.

The next techno advance was BeeperMail. Wherever you were, whatever you were doing, anyone who had your number could page you. That beep became so annoying, especially in theaters, they took another giant step and made those little things vibrate to alert you to a message. And there, by some miracle, was the number of the caller printed out in your hand. 

Then those techie companies invented CellPhones and its companion, CellMail. At this point, you have to read SnailMail at home and office, the MachineMail at home, VoiceMail at the office, FaxMail at one or both and CellMail wherever. We were definitely being messaged to death even before the Internet Revolution with EMail that you can receive anywhere in that tiny palm thing. Now EMail is truly an amazing medium especially for keeping in touch with friends across the country and in foreign lands. Far less expensive than long distance or international phone calls regardless of which phone company you have. Simply open up your server with a click of your finger, type your message and hit “send.“ The efficiency is mind-boggling.

It’s a perfect system when it works for sending whatever pages of serious stuff or funny jokes. But when you receive something really prurient and the boss reads it, watch out. The age of big brother is here. Since so many companies currently monitor EMail transmissions, employees really have to be on guard. One fellow I know EMailed himself out of a job when he EMailed a lurid letter that was intercepted by the boss and summarily fired.

Other Internet hazards include chat room participants who stalk and kill, credit card thefts which cost consumers and e-businesses serious dollars and agita and insidious invading viruses that are EMailed by playful sadists who screw up the entire computer. Such is our hi-tech age.

So with all this amazing technology, turnaround time is now down to seconds and the pressure is a killer. A friend who holds a high-level corporate job told me he receives between 50 and 150 EMails a day in addition to dozens of VoiceMails. Between reading and listening to them all plus attending interminable meetings, he has no time for work and puts in12 hour days at the office. It’s all incredibly fast but is it progress?  I naïvely thought technology was supposed to ease our work burdens.  Obviously wrong.

A major problem that results from all this stuff is that it’s harder to lie. Gone are the days when you could cop out with “the letter didn’t arrive,“ “the check is in the mail” or “the fax and/or answering machine is broken.” If someone wants to reach you, you’re always reachable. There’s nowhere to hide anymore. I, for one, feel mailed out. How about starting a new revolution and calling it ZippoMail?