THE OFFICE VISIT

"Hi Dr. James...”

“Good to see you Ms. Smith. How’re you feeling?”

“Couldn’t be better. But I’d like to ask you a few questions.”

“Shoot.”

“OK.  Do I need Prilosec?”

”Do you have acid reflux?”

“No.”

“Then no.”

“Viagra?”

“I don’t think you have erectile dysfunction now, do you?”

“No.”

“Levitra?”

“Ditto.”

“That’s funny.”

“Not really.”

“What about Plavix?”

“There’s nothing wrong with your heart, so no.”

“Zelmoron?”

“That’s for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, known as IBS, and for constipation. Are these problems for you?”

“My stomach is just fine.”

“Don’t even think about it.”

“Procrit?”

“Since you’re not on chemotherapy, I think not.”

“Lipitor?”

“There’s nothing wrong with your cholesterol.”

"Zyrtec?"

“I didn’t know you had any allergies. When did they start?”

“I don’t….they didn’t.”

“Then forget it.”

“How about Paxil?”

“Are you depressed?”

“No.”

“Lastly, Wellbutrin?”

“You still don’t look depressed to me. Are you” 

“No again.”

“Ms. Smith. What you need is your TV remote with the mute and off button. Use them and stop listening to all those commercials. They’re making my patients – and me – crazy. If these ads continue to run, I’ll need an anti-psychotic pill.”